The 10 Commandments of Childhood

Originally published on CollegeHumor, March 22, 2016

 I - Thou who smelt it, dealt it 

Child asked who committed such flatulence, and God said, let ye who first smells the offense claim it. 

II -Remember if thou isn’t touching, thy sibling cannot be mad

God said unto Child, as long as thou isn’t touching thy sibling, thou canst stick thy finger in thy sibling’s face without consequence, and Child said “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you,” and God was pleased

III -Thou shalt not talk to opposite sex

If thou dare play with the opposite sex, God shall smite Child with cooties. If thou is infected, thou must seek repentance through a cootie shot. 

IV -Thou must commit the dare if thou wast triple-dog-dared

God told Child, if thou play truth or dare then thou must carry out dare. Child asked unto God, “But what if I don’t wanna?” God assured Child, thou can back out, but if thy is double-dog dared THEN thou must. But then Child asked unto God, “But what if it’s REAL gross and I don’t wanna?” Then God said, fine, thou canst back out if it’s real gross but thou ABSOLUTELY MUST if triple-dog-dared.

V - Honor thy mother by not stepping on cracks

And God told Child, if thou step on a crack, thou shall break thy mother’s back. And because it rhymed, Child understood God’s wisdom. 

VI - Thou shalt uphold pinky promises 

And God really meant it. 

VII - Thou shalt obey shotgun

If thou seeks to sit at the right hand of thy Mother or Father in thy vehicle, thou must be the first to call out “shotgun.” 

VIII - Thou shalt hold thy breath when thou passes a graveyard

God said unto Child, respect thy fallen ancestors by holding thy breath. And Child asked, “Can I still breathe out of my nose as long as I puff out my cheeks?” And God said, as long as no one notices.

IX - Remember to keep sacred the property laws

God said, obey My property laws: thou shall claim thy earthly possessions through licking. Thou who find it shall keep it and thou who loses it shall weep. And, if thou says “no takebacks” then let it be so.

X- Thou shalt not question the Lord thy God, goddammit

Child asked unto God “Why?” and God said “Because I said so” and Child asked again “Why?” and God, with increasing annoyance, said again, “Because I said so” and so Child asked, “Why?” and the cycle continued until God grew very angry and spake unto the Child, thou are Insolent, and the Child said “I know you are but what am I?” And God thought it was very funny and good.