Originally published on CollegeHumor, March 22, 2016
Child asked who committed such flatulence, and God said, let ye who first smells the offense claim it.
God said unto Child, as long as thou isn’t touching thy sibling, thou canst stick thy finger in thy sibling’s face without consequence, and Child said “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you,” and God was pleased
If thou dare play with the opposite sex, God shall smite Child with cooties. If thou is infected, thou must seek repentance through a cootie shot.
God told Child, if thou play truth or dare then thou must carry out dare. Child asked unto God, “But what if I don’t wanna?” God assured Child, thou can back out, but if thy is double-dog dared THEN thou must. But then Child asked unto God, “But what if it’s REAL gross and I don’t wanna?” Then God said, fine, thou canst back out if it’s real gross but thou ABSOLUTELY MUST if triple-dog-dared.
And God told Child, if thou step on a crack, thou shall break thy mother’s back. And because it rhymed, Child understood God’s wisdom.
And God really meant it.
If thou seeks to sit at the right hand of thy Mother or Father in thy vehicle, thou must be the first to call out “shotgun.”
God said unto Child, respect thy fallen ancestors by holding thy breath. And Child asked, “Can I still breathe out of my nose as long as I puff out my cheeks?” And God said, as long as no one notices.
God said, obey My property laws: thou shall claim thy earthly possessions through licking. Thou who find it shall keep it and thou who loses it shall weep. And, if thou says “no takebacks” then let it be so.
Child asked unto God “Why?” and God said “Because I said so” and Child asked again “Why?” and God, with increasing annoyance, said again, “Because I said so” and so Child asked, “Why?” and the cycle continued until God grew very angry and spake unto the Child, thou are Insolent, and the Child said “I know you are but what am I?” And God thought it was very funny and good.